Cleaning is for suckers.

That probably sounds terrible, unless you are the person in your home responsible for cleaning up after everyone else. In that case, it makes perfect sense. I believe of all the things we as humans, adults and parents are tasked with, maintaining a clean and orderly home is one of the toughest.

Before I had children, I knew and could tell you the origin of every item in my home. I’m not kidding, and I’ll bet you could probably say the same thing if you think about it. After the kids came along, and I’m talking when they were old enough to be mobile, I couldn’t say that any more.

At first it started out small, the kind of thing you’d hardly notice and probably brush aside. For instance, I’d be folding a basket of laundry, and a shirt or sock would show up that I had never laid eyes on before. Initially, I chalked those incidents up to mere forgetfulness. But as the kids got older (and more numerous), the incidents of finding UFOs (Unidentified Foreign Objects) in our home became more frequent, as well.

We’d find jewelry (always one earring, never two), shoes, jackets, backpacks…you name it, we’d find it. No one ever laid claim to these items, and no one ever knew whose they were or where they came from. After a while, I’d just throw the unidentified items away. Looking at them just bugged me – where do you put shoes that belong to no one? What do you do with one earring if no one recognizes it? The closet hoarder in me had a hard time getting rid of that stuff at first but eventually, it became necessary.

When our youngest two were in high school, an entire car showed up one night. No one recognized it. There were no extra people in our house. No one saw anyone park the car in front of our house. Our neighbors had no idea where it came from. It was just there. It stayed where it was parked for a day or two, and then it disappeared as magically as it materialized.

What about cleaning out closets? How often do you do that? When we first bought our house back in 1999, I was absolutely obsessed with keeping the drawers and closets neat and organized. I quickly learned, however, that there is a crew of people living somewhere in our house whose sole purpose is to undo any closet/drawer cleaning. I could clean out a closet and within 48 hours, it would look like gremlins had gotten in there and intentionally pulled clothes off hangers, spit crumbs in the floor and scuffed up the door just for kicks. Within 72 hours, there would be a film of dust and cobwebs on top of the pile that magically materialized in the first 48 hours. Now no one ever saw this crew of people. No one ever heard them at work. I just know they exist; I saw the evidence.

Then there’s the cagey apparition responsible for carpet stains. This individual shows up, most frequently, right after the carpets have just been cleaned. I remember coming home from a dinner one evening several years ago. We had left all four children at home, as they were plenty old enough and responsible enough for us to do that.  We thought.

As soon as my husband and I walked through the back door (scooting our “guard” dog out of the way with the door as she continued to sleep, never even opening one eye to see who was breaking in), a giant purple carpet stain caught my eye as soon as I stepped into the house. It was, of course, perfectly centered on the white carpet in the family room, the nerve center of our home. The stain was easily more than a foot in diameter and still damp.  Someone had apparently attempted to clean it. No one, none of our children and certainly not the dog, had any idea how it got there. Complete mystery.

What can we take away from all this? Just don’t clean any more, at least not if you ever have children in your home. It won’t last. And if it’s just you and your spouse or roommate at home, then you each always have someone to blame.

Do you have a cleaning routine, and do you require your children to help around the house? How’s that working?

How young is TOO young for Facebook?

A friend asked me a couple of weeks ago whether he should allow his 11-year-old daughter to start using Facebook. Hmmm … now that’s a tough one. If you have children, you understand why. On one hand, it’s getting harder and harder to shelter, or maybe I should say “shield,” your children from anything. The viral nature of social media is mind-boggling, faster-than-light, it seems.

Too, most of this girl’s friends already have Facebook pages. There’s the eternal, “But so-and-so’s mom lets HER do it!” argument. As a mom, I always hated that one, because I always answered it just like my mother did. “I don’t care what so-and-so’s mom lets her do. You’re my child, and these are my rules!” That answer, by the way, goes over every bit as well now as it did 40 years ago.

What I told my friend by way of advice went something like this:  “If she has access to a computer or a cell phone, she is likely already on Facebook. Rather than fight that or forbid it, thereby making its appeal even greater, go ahead and lay some ground rules now. Her computer should be in an area of the home that’s central and available to you and Mom. Let her know that you have the right (and will exercise it) to jump in and look around her ‘page’ anytime you choose. And if it at any time it looks like she isn’t exercising good sense, she loses the privilege.” That’s really all you can do aside from never granting your child access to a computer or phone, and how practical is that?

What I should have also told him, and I intend to next time I see him, is to never, EVER, try to outsmart your kid when it comes to these social media sites. I speak from experience. You see, I am of that very last generation of people who went right through high school, college and graduate school without ever touching a computer. Don’t bother doing the math. It was a very long time ago.

When our youngest daughter was in middle school, that’s when the My Space craze was taking off. I was amazed at how much time kids spent on there, and I had already heard that everything from bullying to sharing inappropriate photos to predatory stalking had made their way to that new arena. I made the mistake of bypassing the above conversation about ground rules and mutual trust with my daughter. Instead, I put on my spy hat, and the end result was both frustrating and humiliating.

I created a fictitious identity for myself and set up a My Space page (or whatever you call it). I didn’t do anything weird; I just didn’t want to look like a mom out there checking up on her daughter. The problem was, I promptly forgot my username and password, so in essence I had locked myself out of My Space. When I called a friend of mine to help me figure out the mess, it took us another two hours before I was completely locked out of my own computer. Not only could I not oversee my daughter’s activities on My Space, I couldn’t check my own e-mail or use the Internet at all.

Whom did I have to finally break down and ask to unravel the whole mess? My daughter, of course. Not only did she learn of my lame cloak-and-dagger attempt to monitor her activity, she has never let me forget it. It was only then that I took the time to sit down with her, explain my concerns and ask her to humor me with respect to using My Space and eventually, Facebook. She knew that I could get in there and look around at random (because she set it up), and I think just having that knowledge and knowing that it mattered kept her mindful of her choices. Eventually, as she got older and more mature, I didn’t feel the need to (lurk? creep? Whatever this week’s term for “spy” might be).

To my advice-seeking friend, if you happen to read this before we see each other again, just be honest with your daughter and lay all the cards on the table. Be honest, and be firm. Our kids have such sophisticated tools at their disposal, but they’re still kids. It’s nearly impossible for them to foresee the likely conclusions to most of their actions and choices, so they need us to help guide them. They need us to step in if a situation gets out of hand. They’ll never admit that, of course, but it’s our job as parents to know it, nonetheless.

And whatever you do, don’t create a fictitious identity and try to get your child to “like” you on Facebook so you can follow her activity. It’s too complicated, it’s just one more password to remember, and it’s really embarrassing when you have to own up to it.

Do you let your children use Facebook or other social media sites? Do you have any rules or tips to share with other parents?

Domestic abuse is a social heartbreak

O.K. I thought a lot about whether to address this topic here in Food For Thought. I typically write about topics that invite readers to comment, things that we encounter in our everyday lives. I like to write about things that we can poke fun at and maybe put in perspective. But then I thought that that attitude might be part of a bigger, more shameful problem; domestic violence and abuse are just too unpleasant to talk about. They’re matters that, if not addressed openly, can so easily be swept under the rug.  And since I’m not much for whistling past the graveyard, here goes:

I recently wrote in this blog about divorce and how it changes people’s lives forever. I was surprised and touched, really, to subsequently receive e-mails and comments from readers about the cancer of domestic abuse. “Why didn’t you address that problem?” I was asked repeatedly. “How can you write about divorce and not mention domestic violence?” I did give the issue one line, I believe, and that was to say that in my mind, abuse demands divorce. But the topic deserves more space than that.

Without getting too personal in such a public forum, I have first-hand knowledge of the insidious nature of domestic abuse and violence. It starts out slowly and builds over the years. I’ve heard it said that, if a guy punched a woman in the face on a first date, there likely wouldn’t be a second date, right? But when the incidents start out “small” and grow over time, and when the woman is blamed for the abuse (“You made me do it, you know that, right?), it spreads and takes hold just like cancer. And abuse can be physical and/or emotional. It’s control and manipulation by any means available.

Something else to keep in mind:  Abuse NEVER gets better on its own. If he keeps telling you it’ll never happen again (unless, of course, you provoke him), that’s not true either. Roses don’t make it better. Blame doesn’t make it better. If your family and friends tell you he’s abusive and you defend him, let me share some ancient wisdom with you – “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, odds are it’s a duck.” There is never an excuse for violence against a “loved” one, ever. Get out.

Now that I am on the other side of that nightmare, I can look back and see very clearly how, over a period of years, a well-educated, self-sufficient woman can become so hopeless and feel so helpless that she is literally trapped. I feel passionately about helping women who are stuck, who feel trapped, who feel powerless against a bully and sure that they’ll never get out. And again, without divulging an inappropriate amount of information, I spent several years doing my best to help other women once I got out.

Sadly, I used to look down my nose at women who were in abusive relationships. I thought, “How could anyone with an ounce of self respect tolerate such treatment?” If there’s one thing I learned during my ordeal and in the years of helping other women in similar relationships, it’s this:  Do not become isolated. Isolation is just one tool in the abuser’s toolbox. You will become isolated from family and friends, because those are the people who will help you see him for what he is and help you get out. People who truly care about you are your lifeline, literally.

I know that right now, today, there are hundreds, probably thousands of women in Gwinnett County alone who are in abusive relationships. Some don’t realize it yet. Some get it but feel powerless to change it. Some are trying to change it and are being failed by a system that a) looks away and b) slaps a small Band-Aid on incidents and lets couples “work it out for themselves.” After all, it’s a domestic matter, right?

I remember the day that a judge finally got that my life was in danger. He issued a permanent restraining order against my abuser. I suppose I could have wadded it up and thrown it at him as he repeatedly violated the order. Other than that, there wasn’t much help. You see, an abuser believes he is perfectly within his rights to do what he does. He sees nothing wrong with it; therefore, he is not breaking any laws.

The problem of domestic violence and abuse extend far beyond the property lines of the couple’s house. As horrible as abuse is for a woman, it’s exponentially harder for children. They simply cannot process what they see on a day-in, day-out basis. Left in the volatile, frightening environment of an abusive home, children are terrified and often grow up with a twisted take on relationships; that’s why it’s called a cycle. In fact, many women find their children to be their motivation to get out, even if they can’t do themselves that same favor. I was one of them.

I learned something else too, and this is for you women who are in the middle of the nightmare. It’s not hopeless. That’s just what your abuser wants you to think. As soon as you get out, stop going back, and stop taking him back, you begin to breathe a little easier. You can see it for exactly what it was, but only in the rearview mirror. And you will not believe just how strong you really are.

I have not even begun to scratch the surface of this epidemic. I am not a professional counselor, and I cannot possibly know the specific circumstances of every situation out there. I realize that. But I also know that no one understands the crippling fear and dread of finally stopping the abuser better than someone who’s been through it and come out on the other side. If even one woman who’s enduring abuse at home reads this column today, then hopefully you know you’re not alone.

Gwinnett County has some valuable resources for women who feel trapped in the cycle of abuse. Here are just a few:

 

Battered Women’s Shelter, Council for Women, Partnership Against Domestic Violence:  770-963-9799

Men Stopping Violence: 404-270-9894

Gwinnett County Family Violence Task Force: e-mail info@gwinnettfamilyviolence.org

Churches often have resources to provide women and children the initial help they need, and they can likely get women in touch with county and state resources, as well as critical counseling resources.

Reach out to trusted family and friends. They will fight for you even when you can’t.

If you know of other resources or have something to share that might reach even one abuse victim, please share it with readers.

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A friend of mine has a daughter who’s a junior this year, I believe. This friend and I were talking about preparations for the new school year (I miss that so much), and we inevitably got on the subject of trying to parent teenagers in a world that screams for their attention with some mighty scary things...(read full story)

Divorced? Divorcing? It's not easy.

Our children are at the ages during which they may very likely soon choose life partners. My husband and I are both divorced and, I’m grateful to say, our blended family is healthy and happy twelve years into the union. But I have to be honest and say that I sincerely hope and pray that none of our four children ever has to endure the awful ordeal that is divorce.


A very wise man once told me that a man marries a woman hoping (and believing) she’ll never change, and a woman marries a man thinking (and believing), “Oh I can fix him. He’ll change.” And they both end up disappointed...

To read more, visit my blog in the Gwinnett Daily Post