Tell me again why they send out these swimsuit catalogs?

I went to the mailbox yesterday, expecting the usual mix of junk mail, bills and more bills.  And I was right, of course. Gas bill, electric bill, mortgage statement. Ahhh, here’s the new supermodel swimsuit catalog. That reminds me; I need to pick up some hemlock for tonight’s casserole.

Why do I do this to myself? Every year, I order something from this place. Granted, it may be a lipstick or great shoes, but I do it just the same. I think it keeps me in touch with the fact that I am a woman despite the baggy sweats and messy hair.  And every year I forget – they send me the swimsuit catalog.

Now I ask you, how many people do you know who really look like these models? They are beautiful, stunning, gorgeous specimens. But please, tell me, how many women do you know who actually look like these chicks without airbrushing? Even they don’t look this good without touch-ups!

Anyway, I brought the mail in and put it all on the kitchen table. I sorted through it, and I left the catalog on the table, unopened. I have to be in the right frame of mind to open it and flip through it. There’s a bag of Halloween candy on the table next to it.  That speaks volumes, doesn’t it?

Whose idea is it to send out a catalog for swimming zippers in the very same month of the nation’s largest candyfest? That doesn’t make sense to me.

After I had finished my work for the day and had poured a small glass of wine, I picked up the catalog and settled into my chair.  I looked at the gorgeous women wearing tie-dyed dental floss and acting as though they don’t have a care in the world. One was wearing a black suit slashed as though Freddie Kruger got ahold of her after drinking a few energy drinks. She looked stunning. Inevitably, my mind wandered to how I might look in that same suit. All I could picture was one of those speed strips they install in the road before you get to a stop sign.

The biggest suit in the catalog was made of 2 oz. of spandex fabric and a bead.

You know what though? I have given birth to two children and raised several more, one way or the other. I have a respected education. I maintain a beautiful home, love my family and do what I love for a living.

I have friends who would do anything for me, and it’s reciprocated.  I help care for my elderly father, travel when I can, laugh every chance I get and marvel at the strength of real women. I find beauty and ingenuity because I look for it. I spotlight it every chance I get.

There are some days when I imagine trading every bit of that for a body that would look great in one of these Spandex bandaids, but then again, I like who I am. I love my life. And yes, I’m even O.K. with the extra “me” that’s shown up over the years.

Man, wonder what the mailman will bring tomorrow.