The Love-Gov. Very funny.

OK I just watched a brief synopsis of the Schwarzenegger/Shriver/what’s-her-name fiasco. So let me get this straight. A man of means sees a woman with large breasts and creates a love child with her. How refreshing. How original. How new-millenium. Please.

So Arnold Schwarzenegger is a man. What a shock. I had a great conversation with two bright women in the nail salon today, of all places. They had asked me about my FOOD FOR THOUGHT column in the Gwinnett Daily Post, and I answered them honestly. Why the column? Because women need a place to talk. Men, you know it’s true, so stop rolling your eyes. You should thank me. Look how much time and anguish I can potentially spare you if you play your cards right.

OK back to Arnold. I don’t know whether you buy into the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” mentality, but I have to admit, I tend to agree with it. Let me translate that title for you. Men are motivated by completely different factors than are women. A freakishly large bra size can potentially mean love at first sight to a man. To a woman, it means cosmetic surgery or a shallow gene pool, possibly both. Venus and Mars, honey.

All right so let’s look at what we have in front of us. We have an illegitimate 13-year-old-boy who is already more privileged than most children across the globe could ever imagine. We have a kept woman, thanks to her chest measurements. Spare me your justifications. How much conversation could there have possibly been? If any, I don’t want the details.

I just saw on “E” that the mistress is so obsessed with “being” Maria Shriver that she wore her clothes. Is that right? I’m trying to imagine how many scientists and seamstresses that would have required.

Oh well. Another day, another tough lesson learned. Women, you can be as bright and capable as anyone else on the planet. My advice to you is to line up a really good cosmetic surgeon if you really want to make your mark on the political world. Men, well, try to be discreet. Get top-shelf lawyers who understand family law inside and out. And marry well.