If I ran for president…

I'd have a unique platform on which to stand. I wouldn't bother with any of that foreign policy or healthcare reform nonsense. I'm nearly 50 years old; the Middle East still hates the rest of the world, and healthcare has been reformed to the point that it doesn't even resemble healthcare any longer. Why beat a dead horse, right? No, I'd compete on issues that hit closer to home.

First, I'd insist that every child be required to graduate high school. I know what you're thinking, and no, this is not a given and no, we can't rely on parents to enforce this. In Georgia alone, everybody's excited that in 2010 the high school graduation rate "soared" above 80% for the first time ever. Am I reading that right? In this day and age, when you need a Blackberry and a scientific calculator just to use the bathroom, 20% of kids who start school in kindergarten can't even make it through 12^th grade? That statistic should scare us, folks.

Secondly, I would insist that, if you keep pushing out babies when you can't support the ones you have, first-year med students will be allowed to perform the mandatory sterilization procedure required to make you stop. They could get academic credit for the procedure, obviating the need for a Local Option Sales Tax to fund the policy. And if you're a man, 1^st year cosmetology students can take care of you. All it takes is a pair of scissors and reasonably good aim.

And third, if you're too lazy to work and too dumb to care, I'd insist that you get to reap the results of your efforts, or lack thereof. No, alcoholism, drug addiction and depression would not be considered "disabilities," allowing you to bleed taxpayers for a monthly check to support your habit. You'd be surprised what consequences and a kick in the a** can cure. Under this revolutionary law, people who really are disabled and disadvantaged would be able to get the help they need.

I might consider a law requiring women who swear they eat everything and anything they want and NEVER seem to gain weight to perform some sort of mandatory community service. I'm not sure about that one yet.